Roommate Survival Guide

• Cold Showers (Someone Else Uses the Hot Water)
  Mature: Ask roomie to cut back on shower time. If this doesn't work you can always sneak in before they do.
  Passive-Aggressive: Set off the smoke alarm when roomie's time is up. When she returns from evacuation to find you've jumped in, she should get the hint. If not, repeat daily.
  
  
  
  

  Bonnie Biess, Asylum

• Horrible Hairball in the Shower
  Mature: Nicely mention the hairballs to your roommate and make sweeping and Drano a regular part of cleaning.
  Passive-Aggressive: Ask your roomie if she's feeling okay. Add that hair loss can be a sign of illness and offer to take her to the doctor.
  
  
  
  

  Bonnie Biess, Asylum

• Petty Theft of Your Food from the Fridge
  Mature: Ask if anyone mistook your food for theirs. The moocher might fess up and offer to replace. If this doesn't work, save your pennies and invest in a mini-fridge.
  Passive-Aggressive: Stick Post-it notes with your name on every last food item that belongs to you in the fridge. If the grazing has been potentially heinous, stencil your initials onto individual eggs or tick with a permanent marker the level of your orange juice in the carton. If this doesn't shame them into buying their own groceries, nothing will.
  
  
  
  

  Bonnie Biess, Asylum

• The Dish Pile That Won't Go Away
  Mature: Do your own dishes and politely inform him that you've left his to be done in the sink or suggest a schedule whereby one roommate does the dishes one day and the other the following day.
  Passive-Aggressive: Magically transport the offensive dishes to your roommate's bed, then deny you have any knowledge of how they got there. (Also works well with garbage.)
  
  
  
  

  Bonnie Biess, Asylum

• Too Much Sexytime Noise
  Mature: Quietly remind your roommate that the walls of your apartment are thin, and politely suggest limiting their amorous activities to when they're alone in the apartment. If you're living with a nymphomaniac, earplugs are your new best friend.
  Passive-Aggressive: Leave a pair of women's underwear in your roomie's bed for "Tallulah" to find. The screaming that ensues will likely be her last, at least in your apartment.
  
  
  
  

  Bonnie Biess, Asylum

• Towel Stealing
  Mature: Start keeping your towel in your bedroom or closet.
  Passive-Aggressive: Monogram the crap out of your towels. A nice alternative to your initials: the word "MINE."
  
  
  
  

  Bonnie Biess, Asylum

• The Toilet Paper Left Empty
  Mature: Shake it off or dumpster dive for clean scraps. Then kindly ask your roommate to get a jumbo pack when he's out.
  Passive-Aggressive: Slip him an Ex-lax, make sure there's nothin' but cardboard on the roll, and see how he likes coming up short in his time of need. He won't let you run out again.
  
  
  
  

  Bonnie Biess, Asylum